In the 14th Century, Dante Alighieri wrote the first part of his three part Divine Comedy called Inferno. The poem goes on to describe the 9 Circles of Hell (Limbo, Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Anger, Heresy, Violence, Fraud, and finally Treachery).
If the past few weeks have given me any kind of life experience, it is that there are two additional Circles of Hell:
Underwriting (as home buying)
Ineptitude
The mortgage/home buying process is, unparalleled in its sheer amount of stupid and inane fuckery.
The Circle of Underwriting is marked by ridiculous process for its own sake, a gross inability to utilize anything remotely resembling common sense, a lack of reading comprehension at even the most basic levels, and endless valleys and chasms of paperwork.
Ineptitude is just slightly different from the previous Circle, but still an animal altogether dissimilar to its predecessor. This Circle is, in short, a playground for the completely useless. There are signs with clear instructions posted, however, the denizens of this place seem to have no ability to process the information presented to them in varying lengths of complexity.
People vastly screwing with Closing Cost numbers to others being unable to follow simple instructions like, "Fax most recent bank statement" - the whole process is profoundly painful, frustrating, and leaves one with a feeling of helplessness.
The whole home buying experience is maddening to an extent that I cannot articulate to those who've never been through it - but those who have also have a keen awareness of how horrible the whole thing is. From vague and archaic forms that use unclear verbiage to needing to write letters to underwriters explaining ones drive to purchase a home for the first time - like, I dunno.. maybe I'm super passionate about not living in my fucking car?! You're an underwriter - evaluate my ability to pay my mortgage. You don't need to understand why I'm buying a home. It's not germane to what you're doing.
Suffice to say, this has been a wholly negative experience that I assert must be like giving birth to a cactus. A full-grown cactus.
The saving grace in all of this has been our Realtor. If not for her, I can honestly say that we probably would've just gone on to rent another home. No amount of equity is worth the hassle of what Dani and I faced.
Having said all this - the Closing Documents were signed last night and the final wire to escrow was sent shortly thereafter. There are a few small details to sort through and then we'll have keys-in-hand sometime next week.
Don't worry, there will be the obligatory picture of us holding keys in front of the new house.
We'll be busy packing for the next two weeks and then will more than likely be back in California by the 1st of May.
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